I realised that I've been in super unhappy/grouchy/cursing mode for at least the past week... Now I know that I can be extremely grumpy at times, but I'm a generally good natured person at most times (somehow I can imagine some of you snickering at this remark)... I refused to do anything last night... I didn't watch tv, I didn't go out... I juz sat on my bed for hours, thinking why am I feeling so down... I need to let out all the things that has been bugging me, so that hopefully I will cheer up and start my day on a fresh note...

Firstly, I have to admit that it's that time of the month... although men always roll their eyes when women attribute their mood swings to PMS syndrome, it's something that really happens... and it's not like we want it or juz want to give you a lame excuse when we feel or behave lousy... the fact is, it really does affect us... and we dun enjoy it either...

Secondly, I hate feeling broke... and although many people have pointed out to me that if I still have savings, I am not officially broke... But you have to understand that I am the kind of person who feels insecure when I dun have savings... so there is no way that I am going to touch that account... it's the spending account that is running dry... but yay my pay is in today... so that's one thing that can cheer me up... going for some retail therapy with my best friend, Mai, later...

Thirdly, I think the fengsgui of my room could have played a part... I mean, I did shift things around didn't I... Maybe I have unknowingly let some bad vibes into my room... I dun know...

Fourthly, it's "that guy" issue again... I have done my thinking and I realised that I was being a little too harsh to call him asshole and stuff like that... I guess mostly I was angry with myself when it comes to him... The problem is that when we started getting close to each other, a few people warned me about his womanizer reputation... But I dun wana blindly believe gossips (okay maybe it's not gossips afterall)... He was so pleasant and charming, I must say that I was kinda mesmerized...

I wanted to be the judge of his character based on what I see and experience, and not on what others tell me... I knew that I have to be on guard and not disregard those warnings... So I tried to not initiate anything that may make it seem like I am so into him, in case he really is what others say of him... It took so much effort to not buy him a birthday gift... coz that's not what casual friends do... I tried not to buy him things when I go overseas... and I tried not to ask him out... I tried not to reply when he asks me question like "I guess it's not coz of me that you wana come back to Singapore eagerly is it..." God, sometimes it takes so much willpower to restraint myself coz I really do like him...

I hate being so out of control of myself... I've always prided myself for being decisive, knowing what I want, and in control of myself... Sometimes I wonder what is it about him that I like so much... in a way, it was so different from the time that I was with Stan... Stan was very predictable, sweet, devoted and he wants all of my time... But this guy is different... Everything is so exciting with him, even when we are not doing anything much... He doesn't demand so much out of me... I feel totally comfortable discussing things with him... And subconciously I started to not see other guys anymore... I started breaking off dates with other guys... I started giving excuses to other guys who ask me out... Even when I was in Bangkok, I declined a dinner date with some angmoh guy I got to know while I was there...

I guess that was what pissed me off so badly when I got to know that he went to Bangkok without telling me... I know that I have no right to demand anything from him and he totally has no obligations to tell me about it... but that incident sort of reinforced what others have been warning me about him... I mean, what do men do when they go to Bangkok? It's a little obvious right... although I am jumping to conclusions here, but I feel like things changed eversince his trip... And he stopped msging me...

Phew... it feels better to let it all out... I have come to terms that we may never talk or msg each other again coz I definitely won't be making the first move (although last night my hands were itching to type a msg)... But I do feel kinda sad that things ended abruptly without knowing what exactly went wrong... If he behaves like a bastard in front of me, at least I can hate him... A msg or call from him might be nice as a closure... But well, I guess that will never happen now... Life goes on...

And today, I shall put in extra effort to be cheerful and be nice to everyone around me, including other drivers on the road (this particular one might be a little difficult to attempt)...